Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Passive Aggressive Men

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Borrowed from my fellow blogger… everynowandthen! Wow!

Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Passive Aggressive Men

Do you find your partner losing his cool over things that are out of your control? Does your partner blame and punish you for things that happen to him even though you had no role in it? Does your partner bring up past issues to deflect you from the issue at hand? Does your partner make accusations about you that have no truth to them? Does your partner resort to humiliation, cursing and threatening you? Does your partner mock you, parrot you and twist your words? Do you find your partner getting sullen suddenly and seem depressed or angry about small insignificant events? Does he ignore the real issues that need attention and ignore them completely? Does your partner complain constantly of you not appreciating him? Is he or she never satisfied no matter how much  you try to please them? Does he or she often curse life or others as being responsible for all their problems? Do you find that he never takes up the responsibility of anything that happens to them? Do you find your partner creating a world of his own and even if you show him a positive side of any matter, they tend to believe only what they perceive as ‘truth’? Does he bring up past problems, difficulties and circumstances that he claimed to be over or had forgiven, only to throw them in your face when there is an arguement or he is in a rage? Does he try to belittle you by bringing up things that you told him in confidence, and then use them against you to make you feel shame and guilt? Does he show his pride in you for something you have accomplished, only to find fault in the same thing when his mood switches or you are in a disagreement? Does your partner use vulgar, demeaning language towards you?

Superiority—He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

Manipulates—Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable

Mood Swings—His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

Actions don’t match words—He breaks promises, says he loves you, and then abuses you

Punishes you—An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

Verbal abuse takes on many forms including criticizing, insulting, degrading, harsh scolding, name-calling, nagging, threatening, ridiculing, belittling, trivializing, screaming, ranting, racial slurring and using crude or foul language. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes and withholding communication are also examples of verbal abuse.

The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.

You will find, that even if you become sick, even with a chronic illness or god forbid terminal, the passive aggressive man seems to show fake compassion, no empathy, and will talk to you superfically and never be a comfort. He will not be your rock in your time of need. He will not inform himself about your disease like most normal husbands would do. He will not know what to tell other people if he is asked about you, becaus he wil not bother to find out for himeself. It is as though he puts on an act, tries to be the concerned husband, but in reality, he is resentful of you for becoming ill, and he will still expect you to carry the burden of the relationship even as you are suffering from your disease.

There can be a number of causes behind the development of passive aggressive traits in individuals. The most probable one is the growing up in a family or social atmosphere, where not much importance is given to an individual’s needs and wants, where expressing personal desires is not accepted and is taken as a selfish and self-centered nature. He would have parents that were overbearing and treat him like a child way into his adulthood. They have made decisions for him such as employment, relationships, education and so on. He is usually a mamas boy and is more comfortable being around women then he is around men. He is comfortable coffee clutching and gossiping. Being around his peers, other men, he feels inferior, insecure, that everyone is doing better then him. This is usually his own guilt, although he will never ever admit it. He knows he is a an inept husband and provider for his family. Such an upbringing, plants a subconscious feeling in the individuals, like desiring something which they want is unfair and unacceptable. In such situations, children contrive to protect the relationship with their family members and friends which they cannot afford to jeopardize. As the child grows to be a man, out of a deep rooted fear, he will stay loyal to his parental family while putting his wife/partner down just to make them happy. He will likely be disloyal to his own wife and hurt her just to please the people that raised him, regardless of the devastating circumstances this will have on his wife. He will allow their disproval to come before the women he loves, their opinions become more important to him then the opinions of his wife, the women he loves. This is a disturbing picture, this is not a man by any means.

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person’s “issues” are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn’t loved you for a very long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.

If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner – if you are finding that he just DOESN’T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful – run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON’T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH – some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.

It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can acheive true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don’t play on your insecurities and they don’t wage psychological warfare on you. They don’t blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don’t fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.

People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesty, honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior in this article, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.

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12 thoughts on “Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Passive Aggressive Men

  1. Christina

    I have lived every sentence of this article. I married a passive-aggressive man and neglected many of these signs in the name of feeling very in love. Shortly after our wedding, the situation exploded. I was crazy, I was stupid, I was always the cause of the problems in our marriage. I would cause him to argue with his mother. I am a sensitive person, and I took all this to heart, thinking that I truly am a damaged person. In truth I am someone whose self-preservation mechanisms do not kick in later than normal. I endured him stomping on my dignity and humiliating me. He flat out abandoned me the day after I was incidentally diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and accused me of trying to manipulate him into becoming pregnant (we were already married, I had stopped birth control, he was well aware of this and still refused to use protection). Two months later after I recovered, he actually wrote an email to my father telling him that I am “hypersexual” after I suggested that we try something new in our private life (note: we are both over 30). I was horrified when my father forwarded me his email, and when I confronted him my husband he told me that I made him write it.

    I filed for divorce seven months after our wedding day. My hearing is in two days actually. I moved to a new city and am starting a job that I love. I am starting to heal. Thank you for posting this article and your insightful personal storied and comments. It is so important to realize that you are never alone.

    • Christina,
      I am saddened that you have had to undergo all that abuse. I hope all the best for you now and in the future. Sometimes it is easier to fall into the old, known roles we have had. Breaking free and getting out is hard, but well worth it. It took me over 20 years just to realize the truth of my situation and finally (after two previous attempts) to break out and be free. Please know you are not alone and feel free to email me any time! Thanks for sharing your story! ~Jen

  2. Cjane68

    I’ve spent 23 years in this scenario. I cannot imagine anything being more destructive. I would much rather have been beaten physically. This is a betrayal of the worst kind. It is the realization that I have spent 23 years trying EVERYTHING to get love from my husband, to get him to talk to me, to get him to be there for me, FOR NOTHING! None of it mattered. I was conned and conned is the most manipulative way. To EVERYONE, even our children, now 18 and 22, my husband is the kindest, soft-spoken, helping, most charming man on the planet. Women LOVE him!! He has a way about him that I liken to puppy. Women want to take care of him because he’s just so sweet. I’ve often joked that if I die before him, the funeral will turn into a race to see which woman gets him.

    In saying this, he has never, in 23 years anyway, had a male friend of his own. He ever goes out with the buddies, invites friends over, etc…His game is played well because he only has to put on the show for 8 hrs. He pretends to be very attentive to his gal pals at work, even to the point to when I met one recently, I (in my usual manner), gave her a big hug and said how happy I was to meet her finally. Her response left me floored— she was very cold and rude to me. I was truly taken aback. I couldn’t understand why she acted this way; she had never met me. *I feel I need to say this just to clear any confusion. Not meant to sound braggy in the least— I have always had a lot of friends. People have always seemed to want to be around me, even to the point of strangers end up telling me their stuggles. I do care very deeply about folks in my life and about people in general. This is why her reaction was such a blindside to me.

    The abuse is so convert that even for someone as “aware” as myself that by the time one realizes what has occurred, the damage is so deep and rooted that it is like a true “shock and awe!!!” The guilt that is felt is on a daily basis is overwhelming. The offender is so cunning with their words and actions that the those of us who have no ability to even think in this way can become aware of the attack, yet somehow within minutes be attacked again and not realize it.

    I have had my share of abuse; mother abandoned me with step father when I was two; step-father adopted me at 9. I adored this man; he was the only security I knew and the only love I’d ever known. At 13, my life was devastated and in some ways, I believe a large portion of my spirit died that day—the day that my hero, the greatest man ever, molested me.

    I at some point decided that living a life as a victim and as excuse to not live a full, giving life wasn’t an option. Low self esteem, sure…chose wrong men, sure…but I generally loved life. The most incredible gift to me is doing for others. There is nothing more healing to my soul than knowing that just maybe, I made someones life a little better today. Next to that, laughter. I love to laugh and I love to bring it out in others.

    I have always been a strong, resilient, independent person. I have fought to live and to provide my kids with the best life (emotionally, physically, stable, loving) possible. I’ve sacrificed myself for so many things, but never counted it a loss because it was the best for everyone concerned at the time.

    I also have a big issue with taking on misguided guilt. I will feel guilty for things that I have had no part in. If I become aware of a wrong and I can do something to help someone I feel that I have no option but to help.

    The most difficult aspect of this is that I truly love him. I have worked so hard, read every book, counseling, sex, wearing clothing I didn’t want to wear just to get him to show some attraction to me, worked out, NEVER left home without makeup. He made a comment once when I was in once of the most deepest moments of despair, to the point I actually asked him “to be my Doo” (I was so broken at this moment, and so lonely, all I kept thinking about was the scene in “Coal Miner’s Daughter” when Loretta Lynn is just exhausted and she’s on stage and she’s telling her fans how she knows they love her and care about her. That she is so “tared” and she collapses just as hubby “Doo” reaches her on stage and whisks her up into his arms and carries her past all the fans and out of the auditorium.
    HIs response: He fake cried. Then he told me as I lay there as weak and frail as I’d ever been and sobbing into his chest, and telling him how unattractive I felt and apologizing for how I looked, he says “One thing I never have to worry about is that if some guy were to stop by here, you will always look your best.” I WAS CRUSHED!!

    23 YEARS of a LIE!! Now, I am midst of a health battle that I never saw coming and with a man who has no concern for me whatsoever (although you’d never know it if you heard him talk about it). I have a brain MRI tomorrow, which he said “he is going to” but, yet he hasn’t even taken the slightest interest in learning about what is possibly at stake. He fakes his concern about me to everyone, yet it has never existed. I told him I do not want him at the hospital and that I will not allow him to use me “to play the perfect caring husband”. I’m so angry!!

    • Anonymous

      I am sorry. 18 years of despair here. Same situation. My choices are freedom someday when I go to the grave; preceded by hell on earth which is my daily life, or file for divorce and wage wwiii. I barely feel like life is worth living somedays. My husband hates me to the core. Why? Ill never know. 42 and but for my lovely daughters, I’d be wiishing for a very short liffespan. Why does he hate me to the core? Why?

      • Dear Anon,
        Please feel free to email me privately anytime. You are not alone! There are many of us walking wounded out there. It took me three attempts to get where I am now and I know it is not easy, but it is so worth it for me. Each of us has to decide what we do so just know that you are not alone. Stay strong and as I said, feel free to email me anytime! ~Jen

    • Thanks Shelly! I have lived with this for too many years now. I finally got out but it is still a day to day struggle because he keeps trying to win me back. I hate to say this but his efforts are not working, although I do still have love for him. I just cannot live with him any more.

    • Katlin Marie

      This was one of the best descriptions of what I am going thru that I have ever read. I actually walked away from a 2 year abusive relationship with a passive aggressive/ borderline man without sitting him down to tell him. I literally just STOPPED calling, texting, emailing and responding to anything from him. I woke up one day and made up my mind to walk away without any contact whatsoever. I went thru some abuse, public humiliation, lies, manipulations, broken promises, horrible sex life of him just laying there with his hands behind his back waiting to get serviced. Never did I get a kiss, a hug, foreplay or anything. This was seriously one of the WORST relationships I have ever experienced in my entire existence. The silent treatments that I went thru for weeks on end was JUST way to much for a human to go thru. Thank you so much for this article. It made me cry

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