Borrowed from my fellow blogger… everynowandthen! Wow!
Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Passive Aggressive Men
Do you find your partner losing his cool over things that are out of your control? Does your partner blame and punish you for things that happen to him even though you had no role in it? Does your partner bring up past issues to deflect you from the issue at hand? Does your partner make accusations about you that have no truth to them? Does your partner resort to humiliation, cursing and threatening you? Does your partner mock you, parrot you and twist your words? Do you find your partner getting sullen suddenly and seem depressed or angry about small insignificant events? Does he ignore the real issues that need attention and ignore them completely? Does your partner complain constantly of you not appreciating him? Is he or she never satisfied no matter how much you try to please them? Does he or she often curse life or others as being responsible for all their problems? Do you find that he never takes up the responsibility of anything that happens to them? Do you find your partner creating a world of his own and even if you show him a positive side of any matter, they tend to believe only what they perceive as ‘truth’? Does he bring up past problems, difficulties and circumstances that he claimed to be over or had forgiven, only to throw them in your face when there is an arguement or he is in a rage? Does he try to belittle you by bringing up things that you told him in confidence, and then use them against you to make you feel shame and guilt? Does he show his pride in you for something you have accomplished, only to find fault in the same thing when his mood switches or you are in a disagreement? Does your partner use vulgar, demeaning language towards you?
Superiority—He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
Manipulates—Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable
Mood Swings—His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
Actions don’t match words—He breaks promises, says he loves you, and then abuses you
Punishes you—An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
Verbal abuse takes on many forms including criticizing, insulting, degrading, harsh scolding, name-calling, nagging, threatening, ridiculing, belittling, trivializing, screaming, ranting, racial slurring and using crude or foul language. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes and withholding communication are also examples of verbal abuse.
The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.
You will find, that even if you become sick, even with a chronic illness or god forbid terminal, the passive aggressive man seems to show fake compassion, no empathy, and will talk to you superfically and never be a comfort. He will not be your rock in your time of need. He will not inform himself about your disease like most normal husbands would do. He will not know what to tell other people if he is asked about you, becaus he wil not bother to find out for himeself. It is as though he puts on an act, tries to be the concerned husband, but in reality, he is resentful of you for becoming ill, and he will still expect you to carry the burden of the relationship even as you are suffering from your disease.
There can be a number of causes behind the development of passive aggressive traits in individuals. The most probable one is the growing up in a family or social atmosphere, where not much importance is given to an individual’s needs and wants, where expressing personal desires is not accepted and is taken as a selfish and self-centered nature. He would have parents that were overbearing and treat him like a child way into his adulthood. They have made decisions for him such as employment, relationships, education and so on. He is usually a mamas boy and is more comfortable being around women then he is around men. He is comfortable coffee clutching and gossiping. Being around his peers, other men, he feels inferior, insecure, that everyone is doing better then him. This is usually his own guilt, although he will never ever admit it. He knows he is a an inept husband and provider for his family. Such an upbringing, plants a subconscious feeling in the individuals, like desiring something which they want is unfair and unacceptable. In such situations, children contrive to protect the relationship with their family members and friends which they cannot afford to jeopardize. As the child grows to be a man, out of a deep rooted fear, he will stay loyal to his parental family while putting his wife/partner down just to make them happy. He will likely be disloyal to his own wife and hurt her just to please the people that raised him, regardless of the devastating circumstances this will have on his wife. He will allow their disproval to come before the women he loves, their opinions become more important to him then the opinions of his wife, the women he loves. This is a disturbing picture, this is not a man by any means.
People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person’s “issues” are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse.
If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn’t loved you for a very long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.
If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner – if you are finding that he just DOESN’T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful – run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON’T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.
Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH – some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.
It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can acheive true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don’t play on your insecurities and they don’t wage psychological warfare on you. They don’t blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don’t fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.
People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesty, honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior in this article, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.