April 7, 2010

Well, today is day two of my new course of prednisone. I broke down and finally called doc to ask for some. For those who are unaware, I will do anything to keep from taking prednisone. I mean, ANYTHING. However, I was getting worse by the day and this flare was beginning in earnest, so in order to be able to just function, I had to call doc and request the poison. The flare was getting to the point of me not able to move or even walk. It hurts so bad just to move that if I had been able, I would lay in bed all day. I know how hard it is to function like that.

Since it is the beginning of the camping season, I have a lot on my plate, opening the camper up and getting organized for “living” at the camper. Not to mention, I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately that I will not go into at this time. These are the reasons for the flare I am sure. Add the weather changing from warm, to snow, to warm, then storming and you see the progression from everyday pain to flaring pain.

I am sitting at the camper now, at my table, writing this blog. It is relaxing to just sit outside, and listen to the wind blow, the birds singing, and the grands playing. I call my grandchildren, the grands for short. I have four of them here with me now. They love to camp and love the outdoors just like me. Right now I have Brianna, who is 12, then Abbey, who is 10, MacKenzie, who is7, and Audrey, who is 5.

This is a no drama zone, which is a misnomer since I am sharing a trailer with four girls. Two of which are in full blown puberty! Hormones raging and drama all around! It is refreshing to me to get to share time with them and they are always so good when they are here. Well, most of the time they are. There are many activities to keep them occupied so I am basically the “base camp” for their roamings in and around the campground.

As I am writing this, they are in the woods, gathering firewood. They all have their own walking sticks that I carved for them. They have their names on them and they told me how to decorate them. It is a hobby of mine that I enjoy doing when out here and when my hands cooperate. I let them pick the wood out, then I strip the bark off, sand it, use a wood burner to decorate it with pictures and graphics, burn their names on it, then stain and finish it. It is a rite of passage that when they get old enough to pick out their sticks, they have me make one. I have two grands who are still too young for sticks yet.

My youngest son, Dennis, got home safe from Las Vegas last night and he is expected to come over today as well. He will be bringing his 7 month old daughter, Gabi, with him. She is my youngest grand. Dennis and his fiance, Stacey, went to Vegas to visit her parents, who live there after moving from Ohio. They spent a week there and we sure missed them. I get to babysit Gabi every Friday and it was tough not seeing her this past week. She is one of those smiling, happy babies that bring you joy just by being there. She rarely cries, however, her parents tell me otherwise. I refuse to believe them since she is always good around me. It will be fun to see them after their trip.

Today agenda for me is not much to do. I am planning on just relaxing and playing with the grands. Then, after they leave, I will clean the camper and probably go back home for the night. It remains to be seen if I get to stay another night or go home. I would prefer to stay but what I want is not necessarily what happens. As much as I would like to remain reclusive and enjoy the ambiance of nature, I realize that the responsibilities of life are always pressing into me and making me do things that I really wish I didn’t have to. You know, being responsible and an adult. This is like play time for me, being a kid again and experiencing the renewal of life in nature and the world. Seeing life through the eyes of a child, and becoming like a child just by being around them. Watching the trees bud and the leaves open up, seeing my flowers planted last year become a new green shoot, fresh out of the dirt.

As I sit here surrounded by all the natural beauty that God provides, it does renew me as well. As of late, I have been in a blue funk. To put it mildly, I have been depressed. I have had an onslaught of new things occurring with this lupus. As we change, so does the wolf. I am developing neurological manifestations that have robbed me of memory (short term), and pain in my feet and hands (neuropathy). Ihave developed cataracts that are fast developing and will need to have them removed within the year. I know this is a small issue for most people, but when you are inundated with small things they become big things and can make you get so depressed you do not want to go on and fight. I have been there recently. It is a black place indeed. It is, of course, honesty that makes me tell of this. I want to be brutally honest about the wolf and how it affects me. This is the first time it has done this to me but I feel sure it is not the last time.