disappointed

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Today I actually did the things I had on my list and a few besides that! That is great! Wonderful! So, I feel a sense of accomplishment in getting these things done. Why then, the name of this post?

As much as I feel good for doing so much with so little energy today, I still feel disappointment. My body is hurting in so many places it would be easier NOT to name them. My feet in particular, and my ankle on the right side are the main culprits, but the rest of me feels like the feeling you get when you have the flu. You know, all achy and run down.

I have taken my neurontin for the feet and my tramadol for pain, but I am still in a mess of pain. As I said before, I am dealing with this on my own because I am apparently bringing everyone around me “down”. I would run to ER (like I could run) but as I said last night, they tend to shoo you out instead of addressing the issues at hand.

You see, for those of you who do not have a chronic, incurable disease, it is nice to have the ER for the emergencies in life. That is why it is there. However, when you have a chronic disease and appear at the ER, unless you are at death’s door, you will be patted on the hand and basically told that there is nothing they can do for you and to just go home and rest. Nonsense you say? I beg to differ. I have been to the ER on numerous occassions looking for some type of help with the things this disease does to my body, only to find that because I am a woman, I am treated like a child who has a little splinter in my hand.

I can say this because my husband has had to go to the ER for similar issues as mine and he is not only whisked in and thoroughly checked out, he is treated with respect. Now I know there are good doctors out there. I know several personally. The problem arises when you have so many things hurting and acting up and they cannot or will not try to help.

Let me state here that I am not looking for pain medicines. I have been on narcotics, as well as many different types of pain remedies. I do not like to take them unless it is severe enough. I do not get a “buzz” when I take them. Instead, it reacts like an amphetamine to me. You see, when one is chronically ill, pain meds do what they are supposed to do and knock the pain down. When that happens, I tend to feel so much better that I try to do all the things I can before I feel like total c-rap again. I have read studies where it has been proven over and over again that those with TRUE chronic pain do not get addicted like those who take them recreationally. They actually DO THEIR JOB in the chronically ill people.

Not to put too fine a point on it but the whole issue then seems to be that I suffer in pain, in bed, while I should be able to enjoy some things every so often. If I could find a magic potion that made me feel good, I would shout it from the rooftops. I would love to be able to just jump up and run to the store without having to worry about how far I will be walking, if I can get it all done, and how much it will hurt me after the fact.

I am mad, basically, because my pain is very real, and my meds are not working and I need someone to listen to me while I vent. If I call my family doc, they will refer me to the rheumy, who will either prescribe something or send me to the neurologist, and so on and so on…round and round we go. Been there done that and tired, too tired to care about this little game anymore. I will do my best to deal with the pain, and all the other issues because of it and I promise that I will nto inconvenience any one else because I am puny.

I pledge to:

Not whine about the pain

Not show my weaknesses

Not bring others down

Not stop even when it hurts

Do all my daily chores daily no matter what

I know there are many more for the list, but that is it in a nutshell.

Good night everyone and thanks again for letting me vent!

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