Have you ever been on top of the world, ready for something great to happen? You may know what is going to happen and expect really great things. Would this make you hopeful? Let’s examine the definition of hopeful and see if we can clarify what this means… hopeful is defined as ” : having qualities which inspire hope <hopeful signs of economic recovery> 2 : full of hope : inclined to hope.” (Miriam Webster dictionary online). Ok, so let’s see what hope means, ” : to desire with expectation of obtainment 2 : to expect with confidence. “
Now, let’s see what the word hopeless means, ” a : having no expectation of good or success b : not susceptible to remedy or cure c : incapable of redemption or improvement 2 a : giving no ground for hope b : incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment “
Of these two words, which describes your life right now? A probing question for sure, it is designed to help us see where we are today, and we need to be honest when answering this question because it can change day to day.
My disease, lupus, would fit the definition of hopeless as in “no cure”. Today, I am also feeling hopeless, and in one of those moods where I feel like giving up. I am having these moods more and more lately. It scares me to be so down and give up.
You see, some days I fight the world with all my inner strength and hope I make a difference in the lives of those around me. Other days, like today, I feel like the pain is gaining and my strength is waning and I am useless to help anyone or anything. The pain is getting much worse, and I dare not complain to anyone because most people are so caught up in their own issues in life that they do not want negatives in their faces. I am such a negative, you know, voicing my pain. For some reason, pain seems to be taking over and I am incapable of handling it.
I think that the time is rapidly approaching where the decision may be taken out of my hands. I am not being a drama queen. I am just getting more tired working at “pretending” not hurting and being sick. Pretending can sap your strength. It is hard to put up a brave front.
I am not afraid of death. I understand the process, having worked as a nurse and also being a minister of God’s word. I am prepared. However, I am not prepared for the journey leading up to it. For some reason, I always felt that I would go quickly, like a heart attack or something. This slow, lingering, pain filled day after day was not how I expected it to occur. I guess I have no choice in how it happens. Dealing with it day to day and pretending to feel “fine” and continuing to do all that is expected of me whether I am capable or not.
Today, I am feeling much more heavier in the weight on my shoulders. I will make it a matter of prayer and pray that God will lift this dark shadow off of me and allow me to live in sunshine until the end. I also pray that he gives me the strength to endure all this pain.
This low is part of having a chronic and incurable disease. Lows are part of it, remission is too. Highs and lows, hopeful and hopeless, good and bad, blessing and malediction. I will trudge forward in this battle. Tomorrow will be a new day. For tonight though, I am letting go and giving it to God because I cannot carry it by myself.
Tomorrow is a new day and I am always hopeful that it will be a good one. For today, however, all I can say is I will pray for strength and more spoons.