Crazy, Crazy, Crazy

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See the title of this post? Need I say more? Life has been a jumble of craziness for me lately. On the plus side, the meds are finally working for me and I am feeling much improved. On the negative side, the seasons are changing and along with that comes the pain of cooler temperatures. 

I have had a few bright spots too. My son brought his daughters here and we spent a great day together.  We had food, and made crafts, and hung out together. That is always a great thing to happen! I love being around my grandchildren. They give me life!

I have also been working on our house. I have sorted through so much JUNK! Junk is everywhere! It seems that every time we move, we move boxes that should have been gone through and many of the items discarded. Instead, we just continued to move box after box after box for all these years and it is proving to be interesting going through them. I have found things from our first year of marriage! Seriously though, I have been throwing out most of it because we really do not need it. After going through approximately 10 boxes, I have got one whole box of stuff to keep, and half a box for donating. The rest is trash. TRASH! We have been moving TRASH for a long time now! It feels good to finally clean all this stuff up and get it out of our lives so we can simplify and be more streamlined.

On the personal side of things, I am back to my old meds now and dealing with it. Many stressors going on right now in my life and I am fighting that uphill battle just to stay positive. Unfortunately, I am not winning that battle. I am overwhelmed and just plain awful. Have you ever had one of those days where you just sit down and cry and wish it would all go away? I have. I was thinking about a fellow lupie named Rain, and how she was such a beautiful person and seemed so positive up until the day she committed suicide. Why? I can only assume that she got tired of trying to fight. I do not know what was her breaking point or why she did what she did, but living with lupus as long as I have now, makes me think that the sleep of death is more appealing than living. There, I said it. I am getting to the point where I am too tired of fighting and pushing.  I cannot handle all the stress and volatility of my life right now. I will not go into it in detail, the problems, but HUGE problems are lurking in my house at every corner. Each and every day I fight them and they keep coming back. They get bigger and bigger and now I cannot hold them off. They are chipping away at my sanity, my life and my peace. Ok, enough of this cry baby stuff, it is time once again to suck it up buttercup and pretend you can handle it. Yeah, got it.

I feel like I am not allowed to show emotions because it makes others uncomfortable. Their comfort always comes before mine. So, I hide the emotions deep down and they bottle up and get bigger and bigger until the day that I explode. I know this cannot help my illness. However, the migraines and pain in my body continue to get worse. I was asked a while back this question and it really hurt my feelings… “Just how many pills are you on now?”. It was said like I am a drug  dealer low life type of person. It hurt me. Deeply. I mean, this was a person who has seen firsthand how I struggle and yet the insensitivity of the remark shows just how much of any of it has penetrated into their mind. I guess I should just stop taking them altogether. Then no one will ask me those questions.

If I stop the meds, then I can also stop discussing my disease. That will help others who are uncomfortable with my discussing it at all. I can go along and pretend I am just another normal person and hide all my pain and agony and anxiety so no one can see it. There, that will work. Why not? I mean, that is what everyone in my life wants me to do, so why not do it? I can then be supportive of everyone else and all their afflictions and behave as if I have not a care in the world. Yes, I think I am on to something here.

So in the end, this is my pity party here and if you do not like to read it, then don’t. I will try to be the best wife, mother, grandmother and daughter I can be and I will not discuss my disease with my family anymore. I will pretend all is well, and act the same way. Who knows, maybe I will believe it after a while. If not, you can find my ashes scattered to the four winds. Venting, yes. Feel better, no. Mad, yes.

Now I think I will go to bed early and forget today ever happened. Toodles!

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3 thoughts on “Crazy, Crazy, Crazy

  1. Hello my name is Rachel and i am 22. I have suffered with lupus since i was seven. I know that seems early but I had a very traumatic childhood which led my doctors to think that thats why it presented its self. I just wanted to say that ready this means so much to me. The only other person that I have been able to really talk to about Lupus is my grandmother who also suffers from this disease. Seeing and reading that other people out there have the same feelings, the same anger the same worries…it comforts me some to know that even if i feel alone with it i know there is someone out there that feels the same. Thank you so much you are doing a great thing

    Rachel

    • Dear Rachel,

      You are not alone! We all face uncertainty with lupus, but knowing others can help us when we are down. It is so important to get a support system in place. I am on facebook as well as many others and we share our joys and trials and it really does help! Do not worry, you are just one of many of us and we all help each other out. Thank you for your kind comments on the blog. I started it to vent out my feelings and it has helped me cope on those bad days and good days! Stay tuned and feel free to read and comment and share your own story as well. Many hands make the work load light and that applies to those of us with lupus…the more we can talk about it and share with those who are also sufferring, we make our load lighter. Thank you!

      Jen

  2. I definitely understand where you are coming from. I am feeling the same way right now. It seems as if no one cares or wants to care about how i feel. EVERDAY, I walk in pain and still wear a smile on my face because at the end of the day, no one wants to know how i feel or whats going on with me. I also try to hold it all inside and every night I just pray that my higher power gives me strength to go on..it will get better and you know it too. This is just one of those bad days..the good days are around the corner..believe me!

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