Having a chronic disease almost predisposes you to develop some form of depression. Shoot, life can be depressing these days without the added component of a chronic disease. It is tough these days, in many ways. I am discussing the blues here. Not the sweet jazzy kind of music. I wish it were that easy.
The type of blues I am discussing is that deep dark place where depression takes that ugly turn into heaviness of your heart and mind and soul. Some of you out there will recognize this place as you have been there too. Others will not know what I am talking about. That is good if you cannot relate to what I am talking about. I pray you never experience it.
I am in that dark place right now. That all consuming darkness that roots out any hopes and dreams and effectively destroys them. The darkness also engulfs the heart and makes you feel worthless and useless. I know, sounds like a pity party. However when you are chronically ill, it can take on a life of its own. For example, when you are not able to clean your house, do the dishes or take care of your household, you feel useless. Your self worth takes a dive and you begin to wonder if you want to fight anymore.
You see, when you are dealing with a chronic disease you fight EVERY day, EVERY minute, just to do what most people take for granted. You are fighting an uphill battle and when you feel really bad it makes it even worse. It is no wonder that depression is there.
I am fighting this demon right now. It is winning too. I am really tired of fighting it and sometimes just wonder if I really want to continue fighting it. Giving up is an option, and there are days, like today, when I think how easy that would be. I am not suicidal. I do not want to harm myself. I just want to let go and quit fighting and let the natural processes take place.
I will fight though, because I do not want to die. I just feel like at times I am overwhelmed with daily life. I will get on with life and this will pass. Please do not judge me weak, because I have just been fighting for so long and I needed a break from the fight. Thanks!