I am feeling a bit lost right now. Sad too. It is like I am in a depressed funk. You know, that feeling like you want to burst into tears yet you look around and wonder why?
I have felt this way for the past few days. I think the whole separation thing has finally hit me. I find there are days when I think how nice it would be to go back to the home of my husband and then just as I feel that way, he will call me and yell about some thing or another.
I guess the truth of the matter is that I do not matter to him. You see, he has not done anything to try to get me to come back. That is, unless you include the constant calling of me and telling me he misses me and how I am causing all kinds of problems for him by my actions. He seems to think that by blaming me, he will shame me into coming back. Really? In fact, he has done a multitude of things to make me stay away. Like the yelling phone calls, and the self centered way he expects me to jump when he says jump. I should not be surprised but for a man who SAYS he wants his wife back, his actions show the truth.
It is time for me to face the fact that he truly does not really want me in his life. Seriously. If he did, he would show it and he basically is now thinking that it is all my fault since I left HIM. He does not see that the problems that led to me leaving are still present and he has chosen NOT to make the positive changes in his life. It is sad.
Now I am moving forward and I truly think the changes are permanent. It appears that he thinks I am the problem and not him. Maybe I am. Since I chose to not be his enabler once and for all. Time will tell. It is sad to love someone so much and see them be destructive like this. I only wish he loved me half as much as he loves his addiction. Sigh.