Common Characeristics of Abusers

Standard

From the webpage http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted)

* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous.  They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman’s dependency upon him.  He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people.   Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise.  He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents’ marriage was, or its opposite.  He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception.  He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner.  He would not be drunk if she didn’t nag him so much.  He wouldn’t get angry if only she would do what she’s supposed to do.  He denies the need for counseling because there’s nothing wrong with him.  Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through.  He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn’t have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality — he is either charming or exceptionally cruel.  He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others.  He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing:  a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol.  The abuser doesn’t relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other.   This is especially true when he’s angry.  He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other — often his mother.

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