For years I have felt like I was locked into a never ending cycle of extreme highs then extreme lows that were accompanied by personal attacks on my speech, the way I dressed, and even when I slept! If I forgot a meal, or did not feel good, ridicule was the order of the day.
I have been told that I am lazy because I did not keep an immaculate house, and if I did keep up with it, then there was always another area to be picked on. While all of this was occurring, you add alcohol to the mix and the situation gets more dangerous because an alcoholic blacks out and cannot remember what really happened and is quite capable of violence physically.
I lived this for many many years and did not realize just how destructive it had been to me and my health.
I share this because I am researching a bit of information about the subject and thought it may be a worthwhile topic to discuss. I know there are many more out there like me, who have lived in these destructive relationships or are still in them. Personally, the decision to stay or go is your own choice. I have stayed through years of it, and left four times total for any length of time. I have always gone back. I do not think so this time though.
After much counseling and time for reflection on the way I was living, I have made a decision to be on my own now. Is it a struggle? Yes. Financially stable? No. Scraping by the best I can? Most definitely.
I do not say this to be pitiful. I am a grown woman who lived in the situation for such a long time, I lost sight of the real life that is all around me. I am a strong woman, a competent woman, and I will survive.
As I go through this journey, I am trying to be fair and share both sides of the equation. I do not want pity. I want understanding and to share with others because there are so many more in similar situations that may not realize it just yet. I know I thought I was doing ok too. But once that trust is broken by one violent act, it destroys all that optimism I have had and made me step back and take stock of my life.
I am indeed at more peace now than I have been for along time now. I love to sit and crochet again. I am not watching much tv anymore. If I feel bad, I can lay down without fear of ridiculing. I have peace and feel like a better person now. In the end, this new found peace is wonderful. My creative juices are flowing again. I am happier than I have been for too long. No, I am not in a big fine house. I live in a little four room cottage and I am in control of myself now and not doing for everyone else. It is a liberating freedom that is sweet in the simplicity of not fearing or walking on eggshells every day wondering if this would be a “good” day or a “bad” day. The day is what I can make it now.
The choice to serve God and not have it thrown in my face is a blessing too.
Thanks for listening, er, reading…ha ha.
- Spotting the Signs of Emotional Abuse (everydayhealth.com)
- “A Virtual Murder of the Soul” about Emotional Abuse from M.F. Hirigoyen (womeninjail.wordpress.com)