This is a diary entry of mine from September 2nd, 2013 as I was forced to go shopping with my husband and his mother while recovering from surgery and a ripped abdominal muscle. I admit to being on powerful pain meds at the time.

I was writing my thoughts on how I felt. It’s just my thoughts but I felt it was worth sharing. It’s not pretty.

Here you go:

So tired of bullying because he doesn’t get his way. Most men (apparently) that love their wife, don’t bully or belittle their wife when she is physically challenged. Of course, mine obviously doesn’t love me because each day since surgery has been an ordeal because I am not meeting HIS criteria of what HE wants me to do. Today is another one of those days.

I am so stressed out and feeling alone. Talked to some friends about this yesterday. They were very supportive. The fact is most men would help their mate. I guess my poor judgment is paying me back in spades. Now sitting in the car listening to him malign me and what I say by telling his mom that HE knows that what I am saying is not what I mean. Nice to know he is all powerful and knowing and can tell exactly what I am thinking or feeling. Yeah right. If he did he would know what is really going on. However he honestly thinks HE is god. HE is always right. Even when HE admits to being wrong, HE always blames his actions on someone else. HE is NEVER wrong.

His mom keeps that belief going by catering to his every whim and despite me taking up for her when he ripped into her, whenever he does it to me, like every day, she proceeds to not only excuse his behavior, but also points out how I am to blame for it!! Fork time. I am done. This time for good.


2 thoughts on “Notes

  1. Anonymous

    My heart goes out to you. I wouldn’t dream of advising you on this but I would like to tell you that after two divorces, I decided to never even date again. I didn’t want to go for 3 strikes since, apparently, my picker is broken. All this is to say that for over 30 years I have been single and loving it. I do as I please and don’t have to check with someone else about everything. Best of all, I’m not behaving in a way that is meant to avoid confrontation. I’m not completely alone though. I have two grown sons, 3 grandsons, 2 parents, a sweet dog and friends. I really don’t do much with my friends. I ‘reserve my energy for the grandkids. But, I know they are there and that’s a comfort. I don’t worry too much about my house not being clean (though maid service would be wonderful). I don’t have to do much when I’m not feeling up to it, which is most of the time. I bet you are afraid you can’t make it on your own. I just get by on SSDI. I wish you the very best and hope you find some peace. We have enough to deal with without someone adding to the stress.
    Take care .

    • Thank you Lynn for your kind words. I have left several times (5) and this last time found I cannot afford it. I am on ssdi too. I barely get anything. Previously I rented a small house for $400 month and couldn’t keep going. I only get a tiny bit more than that per month! As for low income housing, the lists are several years long around here. My choices are slim to none.

      I am looking at a few options that are “outside the box” but I don’t want to say much yet. I want to try to save and do this the “right” way instead of knee jerk. I have also made it a matter of prayer and I am working in harmony with my prayers.

      I also would like to add that he started drinking again as well. Now as I feel better each day and am recovering finally from surgery, my goals are in the forefront of my mind. I hope I can get the ball rolling and hopefully feel better overall.

      Thanks for your encouragement Lynn!! I am on my third marriage, this one for 17 years, and do not see a fourth EVER! I totally get that!

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