Ah,finding your true worth?

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This is a bit off topic but I feel compelled to write it nevertheless. I have learned to accept the challenges of living with several auto immune diseases and other illnesses.I help my kids and grandkids when I can, and have taken care of my mother and mother-in-law as well. I have moved states, been a walk participant, been in drug trials and seriously given a lot of myself to others. I neglected one person though, myself.

I am in therapy now, to help me get myself back. I have buried myself taking care of everything and everyone around me to the detriment of me. I am now in a major flare, worse than in recent history, and I am finding it hard to adjust to taking care of me. The first step is to get my cataracts taken care of so I can drive at night again. The next thing is to see about these knees getting replaced. I have a list of items needing taken care of but I had been so absorbed in the daily drama and task of taking care of my husband, who is an end stage alcoholic, and his many hospital ER visits, admissions, ICU stays and rehab facilities located all over this state. Transporting him from pillar to post only to have him return home and begin drinking again. It is not pretty around here.

I allowed myself to be used. I ALLOWED myself to be used and neglected taking care of me during this chaos and drama laden time of the last year. As I stated, I am in therapy right now. My therapist is very encouraging and is helping me to see what my role in this is. She is also helping me to see that I do not have to do anything I do not want to. I can stop being used by others by respecting myself. Tall order. I feel worthless most days.

I can see clearly now how the verbal abuse, the mental abuse and the emotional abuse have taken a toll on my body and mind. I am seriously ill right now. My eyes are open though to the manipulations and techniques being used on me. I have to take responsibility for allowing myself to be manipulated, but I am not taking it anymore. As a result, I have an end game or plan in progress that gives me a sense of security. I am free to follow what I need to do to be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. I am learning how to love myself. It is really empowering to do just that.

I have been living in a self centered and narcissistic home for a long time now. I have been treated really awful, and made to feel like it is all my fault. If it is not his way, then it is no way. A drunken dictator who is to be obeyed and how dare I have a thought about anything other than him? It is not pretty.

I am writing this because I need to put it out there. It validates my feelings and the fact that my eyes are wide open now. I am still here. However, I have an exit strategy prepared and ready to implement if no changes are made in MY time frame, not his. I doubt he will change, so it may well be I will be embarking on a new, single, adventure. Who knows? Am I afraid he will read this? Nope  You see, he is only interested in himself and not any thing I may do. The time is coming, and I plan on living the best I can until then. Wish me luck!

I hope you all are healthy and happy! I hope to be soon!

 

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