Stress Much?

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It’s a new day. New stress. Oh well. Suck it up buttercup. No matter how many times I get yelled at, it seems there are always many more to find. I apologize and it gets thrown back in my face. No reasoning allowed. Heaven forbid I actually finish what I am saying. Interrupting is the name of the game. If only ears would listen to what I am attempting to say, then how much easier would it be to discuss. I do not call yelling at someone and not allowing them to try to talk, a form of communication. I call it bullying and belittling. Well I am going ahead with plans to work on the house. Apparently if you pay all the bills it entitles you to do whatever you want, or don’t want to do. Forget that I buy all the food, etc and am basically the cleaning lady, cook and secretary. Among other things. Oh well. I try. Pushing me away and verbally assaulting me is not my idea of a good day. Sad.

As you can see, things are not good right now. I wonder if this is the “dry drunks” you hear about alcoholics having. I hope so because if this is his true self, I am in trouble.

Burning

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Well, it has been one of those days today. I am trying so hard to get all my ducks in a row and yet, seems there is always another landslide knocking me down again! So, here is your warning… this is a gripe fest so if you do not want to hear it, stop reading now. For those intrepid readers who continue on, get ready cause here it comes…

 

I have had some serious health issues lately. I have said that on here. What I didn’t say a lot about is that a mass was found on my ovary. Granted, it is a small mass. However, my doctor says it bears watching. Personally, I would just as soon have the whole thng yanked out. I am not using it anymore. It is on a wait and see agenda right now. That is a huge thing for me. Scares me.

I have also had this diverticulitis too. I feel like it is beginning to get infected again.  This is worrisome to me too. Add this anemia I seem to have developed and you can see why  I am concerned.

Now on to the griping. I have been trying to get my kids to bring the grandkids over. My daughter has but as of now, my two boys are not doing it. My oldest son, who has always been the closest one to me, is indifferent. He refuses to bring his kids over while I am living with my husband again. He says I have to come over there. Well, gee, if I weren’t so sick I might do that, you know?

To be fair, I have not told the kids the seriousness of the situation my health is in. I don’t want them comng under compulsion. So I guess I am basically just stuck until I get all my ducks in a row. Once all my docs have been seen, tests done, and all the other stuff, at that point I will have some decisions to make.

My kids did this before. When I was diagnosed with lupus, it took them a long time to acknowledge that I was sick. I would be told to get over it and get off my butt and maybe if I would exercise things would be better. I let it go then, although it hurt me so much, because I understood that they were afraid to acknowledge it because it meant I could die. I got that. It has been in the last five years or so that they understand it better.

I am just so upset that I am being penalized because I don’t fit “their” rules for what is acceptable. Like before.

They do not know, nor do they read this blog, so what I have written about my illness they will not find out about until I tell them. I do not want them to know until Iknow. I do not want them to worry.  Even then, I am not sure what to tell them. I have glossed it over with them, and my mother, by not telling everything.

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest and I thank you for “listening”. I just needed to get it off my chest so I can calm down. Stress is not good.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Repeat performer worthy of it

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This is a repeat perfomance of a blog I posted a few weeks ago, but it bears repeating because it is a topic all of us with chronic diseases have to deal with on a daily basis. I did add more to it so it is not entirely the same post as before. Please read and understand us better… thanks!

It is just another day here in my life. I have had a difficult week. This flare is really causing me pain in my joints and in my head. I have gotten out and tried to do some things this week but the heat is also my enemy. Yeah, I know, I gripe all the time. For you normal people, it would seem that way. For those of us with these diseases though, griping is our way of letting the anger go, the anger that we have these diseases, they are incurable, and we have to live with them.

This anger we feel, because some people misunderstand our pain for laziness, and think we want to get the attention. That is not true at all! We are genuinely ill and with no cure, we are facing the rest of our lives with uncertainty. The wars raging on the inside of our bodies are not visible on the outside but they are still there, causing pain and discomfort.

So, do not judge us, please try to understand us. We cannot “buck up” and overcome our fatigue, pain and disease. If we do that, we are setting ourselves up for a backlash from our bodies. To a degree we can buck up, but the results are often days of pain following. We have had to learn to listen to our bodies cues, and if it says rest, we rest. If we are able to participate, we do that as well. We make plans knowing that we may or may not be able to follow through with them.

So please, try to understand and do not pressure us to do things or think we are less because we cannot do certain things on certain days. We feel bad enough without judgment from others. You see, stress can tilt the cart over even faster because we are made to feel inferior. Please listen, read and try to use empathy when dealing with us. We want to do the things others can do! We wish we could do things when we want to do them! It just is not possible to do it all the time.

We kick ourselves enough for our own inadequacies, we do not need another person kicking us too.  Thanks for taking the time to read this and hopefully understand a little better why I may not do all things YOU think I should and can do.