hopeful or hopeless

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Have you ever been on top of the world, ready for something great to happen? You may know what is going to happen and expect really great things. Would this make you hopeful? Let’s examine the definition of hopeful and see if we can clarify what this means… hopeful is defined as ” : having qualities which inspire hope <hopeful signs of economic recovery> 2 : full of hope : inclined to hope.” (Miriam Webster dictionary online). Ok, so let’s see what hope means, ”  : to desire with expectation of obtainment  2 : to expect with confidence. “

Now, let’s see what the word hopeless means, ” a : having no expectation of good or success  b : not susceptible to remedy or cure c : incapable of redemption or improvement  2 a : giving no ground for hope  b : incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment “

Of these two words, which describes your life right now? A probing question for sure, it is designed to help us see where we are today, and we need to be honest when answering this question because it can change day to day.

My disease, lupus, would fit the definition of hopeless as in “no cure”. Today, I am also feeling hopeless, and in one of those moods where I feel like giving up. I am having these moods more and more lately. It scares me to be so down and give up.

You see, some days I fight the world with all my inner strength and hope I make a difference in the lives of those around me. Other days, like today, I feel like the pain is gaining and my strength is waning and I am useless to help anyone or anything.  The pain is getting much worse, and I dare not complain to anyone because most people are so caught up in their own issues in life that they do not want negatives in their faces. I am such a negative, you know, voicing my pain. For some reason, pain seems to be taking over and I am incapable of handling it.

I think that the time is rapidly approaching where the decision may be taken out of my hands. I am not being a drama queen. I am just getting more tired working at “pretending” not hurting and being sick. Pretending can sap your strength. It is hard to put up a brave front.

I am not afraid of death. I understand the process, having worked as a nurse and also being a minister of God’s word. I am prepared. However, I am not prepared for the journey leading up to it. For some reason, I always felt that I would go quickly, like a heart attack or something. This slow, lingering, pain filled day after day was not how I expected it to occur. I guess I have no choice in how it happens. Dealing with it day to day and pretending to feel “fine” and continuing to do all that is expected of me whether I am capable or not.

Today, I am feeling much more heavier in the weight on my shoulders. I will make it a matter of prayer and pray that God will lift this dark shadow off of me and allow me to live in sunshine until the end. I also pray that he gives me the strength to endure all this pain.

This low is part of having a chronic and incurable disease. Lows are part of it, remission is too. Highs and lows, hopeful and hopeless, good and bad, blessing and malediction. I will trudge forward in this battle. Tomorrow will be a new day. For tonight though, I am letting go and giving it to God because I cannot carry it by myself.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am always hopeful that it will be a good one. For today, however, all I can say is I will pray for strength and more spoons.

Old Post called Depths of Despair

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Depths of Despair

Recently, I am having some real issues with my health. Lupus has been flaring, despite the best efforts to keep it under control. For the first time since I have had this disease, I felt out of control and ready to give in. Give in to what, you may ask. I was ready to give up the fight and give in and have peace. Depressed, yes, who wouldn’t be when yoru body is wracked with pain, your joints hurt, your fingers are swollen, and you can hardly walk. This time, though, it was different.

My lupus has started into the neurological realm now and I see daily things changing that I cannot control. Things like, my memory for instance. Sure, I joke about this but it terrifies me to think I cannot remember things at time. The fog I am used to having is mild compared with this. It is frightening to think that, like alzheimers, I may sink into the world of no memories. It would scare anyone.

I am having more migraines, more pain, and feeling lost in the shuffle lately. Combine this with an eye doc telling me I am developing cataracts, and my straws are overloaded and my back is breaking. I know this is a little thing but it virtually sent me over the edge. I mean, come one, what else is going to happen? There I said it.

The unknown is scary. I can deal with many of the manifestations this disease provides me with, however, losing my memory is quite another thing. The edge came closer and I was ready to go on over. I am prepared to die, as it were, but I prefer to live right now. I have a lot of unfinshed business to take care of. Grandchildren to spoil and love, family to love, and friends and spiritual brothers and sisters to love as well. I have been saying that a lot lately to those around me. I love you. Simple words but powerful in their meaning. I want everyone who has touched my life to know how much it means ot me that they are my friends and family and that I love them all.

Not to get maudlin here, but the edge was there, all I had to do was give up. I can still see it. However, I have firmed my resolve now and feel much better about it. I am going to live my life and watch those grands grow up into young adulthood and be there for their important events. I have seen the other side, almost wanted to go there, but now I am determined that I am here, I am living, and I refuse to succumb to the edge. The precipice is still out there, waiting… for how long who knows? In the end, I can only think about today and what I have to live for. That will sustain me. Sharing my love of God with others, helping friends when able, and loving each person who is in my life. These are the things that are important to me.

I am glad I saw the edge. It knocked me out of the blue funk and back into the land of the living. Praise Jah for all the friends I have and for the will that was given me when I was at that low point. Thanks for the encouragement you gave me and this life that I am trying to improve to show You that it is not in vain. You alone are the Most High and You have given me the strength to continue. Thank you Father.

Reflections

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This week I found myself reflecting on several changes in my life recently.  I do this on ocassion, it really helps to define the goals in progress and put a perspective on what I need to be doing.  The hardest part is looking at the picture, warts and all, and evaluating the pros and cons of each thing. This can be hard, but therapeutic as well. It is not narcicisstic in the least, since it is for the betterment of myself and those around me.

A magazine I read recently had this to say about life, “‎”Happiness comes, not to those who seek it for themselves, but to those who seek it for others.” 8/1/2010 Awake. This statement is simple in itself but also profound in the meaning. I have actually been somewhat isolated because of a variety of reasons lately. I am sure I do not need to expound in the reasons why. However, I am in need of becoming more people oriented again.

The plain truth is I have become more isolated and that needs to change. I began this process by attending the all class reunion at the end of July. I have also visited with family I have not seen for a long time, and been around my grands as often as possible.

This is a beginning. Now, I need to move forward with the impetus that has been started. I have several ways I plan on doing this. One is to try to make every Christian meeting every week if possible. When not possible, I will tie in by phone so I get my spiritual meals and can become more active in the ministry again. When possible, I will preach in the field and help others to attain to everlasting life. I used to be so active and loved preaching, but due to a viariety of reasons, I have allowed myself to become stuck in a rut and not do as much as I would like to.

So, to meet this goal, I will be studying my bible again, and learning more each day as I get myself off the couch/bed and back into life. Even if I only read for five minutes and reflect on it, it is better than I have been doing. I know this is the most important thing I can do in my life so now the implementation is of the upmost importance.

This is a goal that I plan on working on in the days to come and see how much more I can praise God for all He has done for me, by sharing the bible truths with others. It literally can mean life to those who I can teach and life for me as well.

I will write how I am doing as time goes by and hope to be a better Christian by the end of this goal.

It all begins with one step… here I go….