Emotionally Abusive Men

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Thanks to another blogger for this post. I reposted it because it is so very true and if this helps one person out there, it will be worth it. http://betweenyesterdayandtoday.wordpress.com/2012/05/07/emotionally-and-verbally-abusive-passive-aggressive-men/

 

Do you find your partner losing his cool over things that are out of your control?
Does your partner blame and punish you for things that happen to him even though you had no role in it?
Does your partner bring up past issues to deflect you from the issue at hand?
Does your partner make accusations about you that have no truth to them?
Does your partner resort to humiliation, cursing and threatening you? Does your partner mock you, parrot you and twist your words?
Do you find your partner getting sullen suddenly and seem depressed or angry about small insignificant events?
Does he ignore the real issues that need attention and ignore them completely?
Does your partner complain constantly of you not appreciating him? Is he or never satisfied no matter how much  you try to please them?
Does he or she often curse life or others as being responsible for all their problems?
Do you find that he never takes up the responsibility of anything that happens to them?
Do you find your partner creating a world of his own and even if you show him a positive side of any matter, they tend to believe only what they perceive as ‘truth’?
Does he bring up past problems, difficulties and circumstances that he claimed to be over or had forgiven, only to throw them in your face when there is an arguement or he is in a rage?
Does he try to belittle you by bringing up things that you told him in confidence, and then use them against you to make you feel shame and guilt?
Does he show his pride in you for something you have accomplished, only to find fault in the same thing when his mood switches or you are in a disagreement

Does your partner use vulgar, demeaning language towards you?

 

Superiority—He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

Manipulates—Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable

Mood Swings—His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

Actions don’t match words—He breaks promises, says he loves you, and then abuses you

Punishes you—An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

Disrespect – Shows absolutely no respect for you, and women in general. He will put on a mask for the outside world, his friends and family to make himself look like the good guy, the all around nice guy, the helper, the boy-scout. But in reality, he is none of those things. He is a women hater and treats you like you are worthless.

 

Verbal abuse takes on many forms including criticizing, insulting, degrading, harsh scolding, name-calling, nagging, threatening, ridiculing, belittling, trivializing, screaming, ranting, racial slurring and using crude or foul language. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes and withholding communication are also examples of verbal abuse.

The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.

You will find, that even if you become sick, even with a chronic illness or god forbid terminal, the passive aggressive man seems to show fake compassion, no empathy, and will talk to you superfically and never be a comfort. He will not be your rock in your time of need. He will not inform himself about your disease like most normal husbands would do. He will not know what to tell other people if he is asked about you, becaus he wil not bother to find out for himeself. It is as though he puts on an act, tries to be the concerned husband, but in reality, he is resentful of you for becoming ill, and he will still expect you to carry the burden of the relationship even as you are suffering from your disease.

There can be a number of causes behind the development of passive aggressive traits in individuals. The most probable one is the growing up in a family or social atmosphere, where not much importance is given to an individual’s needs and wants, where expressing personal desires is not accepted and is taken as a selfish and self-centered nature. He would have parents that were overbearing and treat him like a child way into his adulthood. They have made decisions for him such as employment, relationships, education and so on. He is usually a mamas boy and is more comfortable being around women then he is around men. He is comfortable coffee clutching and gossiping. Being around his peers, other men, he feels inferior, insecure, that everyone is doing better then him. This is usually his own guilt, although he will never ever admit it. He knows he is a an inept husband and provider for his family.
Such an upbringing, plants a subconscious feeling in the individuals, like desiring something which they want is unfair and unacceptable. In such situations, children contrive to protect the relationship with their family members and friends which they cannot afford to jeopardize. As the child grows to be a man, out of a deep rooted fear, he will stay loyal to his parental family while putting his wife/partner down just to make them happy. He will likely be disloyal to his own wife and hurt her just to please the people that raised him, regardless of the devastating circumstances this will have on his wife. He will allow their disproval to come before the women he loves, their opinions become more important to him then the opinions of his wife, the women he loves. This is a disturbing picture, this is not a man by any means.

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person’s “issues” are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn’t loved you for a very long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.

If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner – if you are finding that he just DOESN’T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful – run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON’T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH – some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.

It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can acheive true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don’t play on your insecurities and they don’t wage psychological warfare on you. They don’t blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don’t fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.

People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesty, honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior that you just read, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.

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Abusive Traits

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This is a reblog from another blogging friend of mine. Hope to inform others about these types of people.

Abusive characteristics

Posted on January 30, 2012

“…defining the key behaviors of an abusive man and the characteristics of the relationship he creates:

  • Give and take in the relationship goes grossly out of whack.  You end up giving way more than your share, while your partner is taking way more than his.
  • You pay a high price for bringing up certain subjects, so that you start to feel, “I just can’t talk to him about that.”
  • He tells you that things he has done to you are your own fault.
  • You get punished for standing up to him about certain things.  If you don’t back down when he reaches his limit, he will get you back for it by ripping you apart verbally, threatening you, scaring you, hurting you physically, or intentionally ruining your day.  The bottom line is, if he doesn’t get his way about something that is important to him, he makes sure to make you miserable.
  • You feel more and more controlled and devalued by him over time.
  • He hurts you for being hurt by him.  In other words, if you tell him how you have been affected by his destructive behavior, or he notices those effects himself, he uses those effects to ridicule you or to do you more harm in other ways.
  • He refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions.

The passive aggressive man does these abusive things covertly, subtly, in ways that seem completely justifiable.

What you should do to help fight Passive Aggressive Behavior

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I found this fascinating article that discusses tactics to use when confronted with the passive agressive person/mate. Amazing information! I got this from http://www.ezinearticles.com. Enjoy the read!

Fight Back Passive Aggressive Actions With 5 Guerrilla Tactics!

 

It is very easy to discover the inherent pain that a relationship based on passive aggression brings. It is important that you identify exactly the behaviors that trigger your confusion, isolation or anger, and ascribe them to his peculiar way of doing life in general. You are not responsible for his attitude, learned in his childhood.

A passive aggressive intimate connection is a sad paradox. It is as if, in the middle of our constant search for love, companionship and support, we humans encountered a huge blockage that says: “I will pervert and block all your steps towards reaching love, in such a way that it will be impossible to discover who did it and how it was done…all the way I’m professing my love and devotion for you.”

This is the challenge presented by the passive aggressive person’s constant sabotage, which has the objective of deliver a permanent resistance to any deep intimacy, trust and union. You would say, “This is contradicting any search for love…! How can it be that in the middle of this warm relationship building we encounter such a strong resistance that the same love gets destroyed?”

It’s difficult to accept, but some people are so scared of being deeply loved, that they will unconsciously frustrate all steps towards intimacy with passive aggressive behaviors. So, you are warned. And probably you know already the multiple ways in which this passive aggression will rear its ugly face. Perhaps if we review some of them, we can begin to offer an strategy to understand how it happens and so reduce the damage. Let me count the ways…

1.- Behavior always focused on negative aspects of life: The basic attitude here is that life is a miserable experience and there is no joy to be expected, so we are victims of a cruel destiny. In this view, others including you are responsible for the circumstances he is in, and little can be done to change. In order to continue piling up misery and rejection, positive aspects are thoroughly ignored or rejected.

TACTIC NUMBER 1: To counteract the effects of PA behaviors you need to be sure of your own accomplishments, and be proud of them. To keep the mindset of victim hood, your partner will diminish or ignore them, Remind yourself constantly about your good qualities, before it’s too late and you begin to accept your partner’s misery framing as the mirror with which you perceive yourself. Catch yourself diminishing your merits and tell yourself to Stop! Do some breathing exercises and tell yourself how good you are at what you do.

Keep your good friends around, so they can also remind you of your good qualities.

2) Behavior that induces a constant confusion in your brain The main problem with passive aggressive behavior is how to identify the unhealthy interaction. This is difficult because your mind needs to observe and evaluate the situation while it is simultaneously being confused by a barrage of contradictory messages. He’ll say his actions stem from good intentions and the want to provide support, while at the same time he abandons any commitment at the least opportunity. Moreover, he is always going to rationalize his hurtful behavior, producing more confusion in your brain.

TACTIC NUMBER 2: Accept confusion and emotional pain as indicators of being in a relationship with a passive aggressive (PA) person. Another kind of person would make you feel totally different; the truth now is that another person is confusing and manipulating you! DO take your confusion seriously: go for a walk; do something alone; write in your diary; learn breathing exercises to calm your brain and heart; watch a positive romantic movie in TV; anything that fills you with mind clarity and peace is welcome!

3) Sabotaging your best projects: If you show enthusiasm and excitement for some personal project, it is sure that you will receive negative opinion, criticism and put down comments. Because your partner will perceive your projects as threatening the amount of attention now allocated to him, she/he will sabotage them.

TACTIC NUMBER 3: Don’t expect or want anything important, fundamental, or vital from a PA partner, at least at the beginning. The more detached you can be from the final outcome of any shared intimacy, the more protected you become from manipulations that will eventually disappoint you. So, you need to present your heart’s desires in a way that is detached from the emotions they produce in you. If you show enthusiasm and high expectations, any project will be nipped in the bud. If you can present the most fabulous ideas with a blank face, then you’ll likely to get what you want. Learn to control any visible emotional connection or desire, while you move ahead with your projects simultaneously.

4) Giving you the “Silent Treatment” Maintenance of aloof silence toward another as an expression of one’s anger or disapproval: a deliberate discourteous act. Are you getting the cold shoulder, but you don’t know why? Is someone who’s normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? This can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing.

TACTIC NUMBER 4:   Asserting Yourself in light of the silent treatment. If you remember that he uses this way of controlling you, without a clear reason that would justify his detachment, then you can be safer. Think again that this reaction is his choice, that he could behave in a different way, and that this behavior is not revealing or confirming anything about your value as a person. You are not responsible for his behavior, he is deciding to be cold and distant and controlling. Again, detaching yourself, having your own projects and friends, can help you protect your core from the isolation forced unjustly on you. When you feel stronger, perhaps you would try to confront him explaining the impact that this behavior has on you, and on the future of the relationship.

5) Always “not being completely there” In a time of need, the PA person will always be, as the saying goes: “an hour late, a dollar short, or a block away.” He backs off at the right moment, doing nothing when something is expected from him. He hides behind a curtain of good intentions…”I tried to, but…” He “was meaning to go with you to the doctors…but something else came up.” He can give you a dozen reasons why he could not do what he promised. The first excuse is that he forgot about the deal. This leaves you confused between believing him, and listening to your hurt feelings.

TACTIC NUMBER 5: Every time you receive this excuse; each time he says that he “forgot”, substitute the words: “didn’t want to” instead of “forgot.” You then can properly realize what is going on, and can move on with your decisions. You put an end to the confusion and paralysis provoked by his mix of good intentions and omissions.

Living with a person who relates in this way can induce pain, confusion and loneliness. Regardless of that, you might be very well looking at his good aspects and trying to make a good effort to develop a stable and long term relationship.

To help navigate this difficult path, you can use the ebook: “Recovering from Passive Aggression.”

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions. Her best selling ebook: “Recovering from Passive Aggression,” together with other ebooks about developing and keeping healthy relationships can be found at her blog.

Even more: for wise articles on how to clarify conflict issues in your life, survive emotional abuse, manage anger attacks and receive life-changing coaching sessions, visit her blog at: http://www.creativeconflicts.com

Subscribe and receive a free ebook: “How healthy is your marriage?”

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nora_Femenia

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